Critical ol' Me

I'm not the most wonderful person in the world. I'm probably very far from that. Then again, I doubt the most wonderful person in the world is all that wonderful.

I place high standards upon myself. Probably products of my innate personality and my mother's meddling during my formative years. Regardless of what they were at the initial state, they have crystallized to form me. Me. Thats why I am, standards and will.

And tons of neurotic ideosyncrasies with illogical origins.

If I discriminate, its usually based on intellectual capacity and its application. Despite how much I loathe my complexion, my lack of height, and/or all the other niggling things I dislike about myself, I kick myself much harder for not being intelligent enough and for not using whatever meagre amount of intelligence I have well. And I'm never smart enough. nor am I ever good enough - not for myself, and (as I would have it) not for the people I care for. In a masochistic way, I'm glad that this is the status quo. The day I no longer feel this misery is the day I have given up on my will. To me, man has no problem with misery, he only needs a sufficiently good meaning to the suffering.

So fine, some have more intelligence. I envy them. Some would say that I'm part of them. Whatever. And then there are those who whine and whine - about how they're grades suck, and how they wish they could be more like the people who always aced exams. Then there are those who would say that to me. In public, while in direct contact, I would give a sympathetic "Aww" and a "Ganbatte ne" and a "You can do it!" that are saturated with faux perkiness. The essence of the "You can do it!" is totally true. In fact, if you knew the Calvin that would be hanging clothes daily back in Penang, you would probably here - "What's with them and their complaining? If you want better results, then just work harder you idiot. Once you're as studious as I am then come back to me and complain again." Yea, one would probably learn the most about what it is to be Calvin from that boy hanging the clothes.

Granted, I do realize that I am slightly smarter than the average person. And my friends always chide me - "If you call yourself stupid, what are you calling us?" But to me that is not the point. My standards are for me alone. If I grew up thinking that everyone around me was so darned stupid, I would have grown up a much more screwed up individual then I have. Thats what I like to believe - that I am, by some ingrained nature, "better" than that. Yet, I am perhaps more prone to criticism. More prone to calling people dumbarses and ditsy bimbos. More prone to have that view develop as an objective representation of the disgust I feel for them. Is disgust, subconscious as it may be, ever justified? I don't know. Probably not. For my reasons? Most definitely not. Which would then beg the question, whether it is acceptable that ideologically I treat myself worse than I would treat my neighbour.

Which is why when I first read about Wee Shu Min and the furore she caused, I didn't really know what to do. Part of me just wanted to rise and salute her, and part of me wanted to leave because I've learned that - there is a price to pay for everything, for respect and for trivial grades, and all of us can attempt to pay, can commit to paying, but for a lot of us, our wallets are simply not deep enough.

Yes, I am quite a detestable individual. But still, do check this out